click here Like being gay automatically makes you more just, wise, or understanding. Some sloppiness in exchange for a book that may be more appealing to a wider audience is not the worst thing. And while she does make some points that I think? Overall I really like what she has to say and her approach is usually very compassionate, which I appreciate and admire.
I want to be clear that although I've talked at length about things I perceived as weaknesses, there was actually more that I did like about it I just have a hard time expressing those things as easily. Jan 15, Klelly rated it it was amazing. Mar 02, Bucket rated it really liked it Shelves: women , identity , reviewed , love , non-fiction , philosophy , sex , hella-sweet-book-club-read , psychology. This one examines love from a female perspective, delving deeply into feminist theory, where feminism both succeeded and failed, and the utter importance of learning how to love for everyone not just women.
She discusses the importance of loving yourself before you can love anyone else, and the fact that love cannot exist in patriarchal relationships. She discusses the false idea that women bell hooks is a feminist theorist and writer and this is part of a group of books she wrote about love.
She discusses the false idea that women are naturally more loving, showing how this is part of patriarchy, and argues that everyone can and must learn to love, optimally beginning in childhood. I don't know a whole lot about feminist theory, but what I learned about it here I found fascinating.
For the most part, I find her discussion fair and balanced, and rooted in eliminating patriarchy and creating equality for all people. However, there were some early points, especially in the discussion of sex, that seemed off to me. She argues rightly that women should be able to say no to their partners, even over extended periods of time. However, a few pages later, she describes a feminist whose male partner has said no to sex with her over an extended period of time and accuses him of withholding sex. Perhaps she is right about the man in this particular case purposefully withholding, but I would argue that women are equally capable of purposefully withholding and men have just as much right to say no, even over extended periods of time.
Her discussion of love is wonderful and, I would say, flawless. She discusses attitudes like "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," their roots in patriarchy, and the unfairness of both sides of the coin: teaching women that love and nurturing are their realm and they should accept that men won't get it, and teaching men that strength and silence and dominance are their realm and showing emotion or communicating on a deeper level are emasculating.
All in all, a book worth reading that I never would have picked up on my own. Looking forward to discussing with my book club! Themes: love, women, feminism, sex, relationships, self-acceptance, equality Jun 22, feathers rated it liked it. Jan 29, Krysten rated it really liked it Shelves: nonfiction. I met this book at a very good time in my life. Apr 24, Michelle Pei rated it liked it. I really like bell hooks, and I really tried to like this book. But I can't stand the sweeping generalizations littered throughout this book, and I found it difficult to relate to her points.
I still very much enjoy her style, but the content eludes me. Sep 06, Christine Bissonnette rated it it was amazing. I wish I could give this book more than 5 stars. It's definitely one of the most personally influential and important books I've read all year. Sep 16, Jamia rated it it was amazing. Some of my favorites: "There can be no love without justice. If at the end of the day, progressive men were unwilling to be just in their relationships with women on all fronts, public and private, then what they were communicating to us wa a lack of genuine political solidarity.
Men and patriarchal females, were more willing to give us jobs, power, or money than they were to give us love. Their refusal to adequately confront the ways sexist socialization had denied the access to emotional and spiritual rowth was yet another arena of betrayal. They wound us when they fail to protect our freedom in every aspect of our daily lives There is no love without justice. Men and women who cannot be just deny themselves and everyone they choose to be intimate with the freedom to know mutual love.
If we remain unable to imagine a world where love can be recognized as a unifying principle that can lead us to seek and use power wisely, then we will remain wedded to a culture of domination that requires us to choose power over love. Women have searched for power and found it. The invention and mass production of the pill may have freed women's sexual bodies but it was feminism that freed our mind Feminist sexual agency made us feel that we were enaged in revolutionary struggle when we boldly satisfied our sexual lust.
We had been given the freedom to be sexually lose without fear of losing respect. I forgot how important this book is until my friend Sonal brought it up last night Bell hooks is beauuuuutiful! I just read We Real Cool which is also an amazing book Jun 02, Jen rated it really liked it Shelves: counseling-related , feminist-etc. Saying no to any devaluation and debasement of the female body is a loving practice. My wish is that you try to give more people more love. The only thing that lives forever is love. It's a house with many rooms.
Relationships are part of the house, but they are not "Choosing love, we affirm our agency, our commitment to personal growth, and our emotional openness. Relationships are part of the house, but they are not everything and never could be. The key is balance. The men who inhabited my dreams were men of feeling.
It has been hard for women to face that abusive men may wield power but not be happy. Ironically, the feminist movement was and is often portrayed in mass media as creating gender warfare, when the truth remains that the conflict was already happening. Feminist thinking was a solution - a way to resolve differences between women and men. If women turning away from abusive patriarchal violence enrages men, intensifying their misogyny, feminism is not to blame. The path to male self-love is as arduous as the path to female self-love.
We all usually have to begin this journey by going back to childhood to do the work of reparenting, to love ourselves rightly. Seeking guidance so that we can create lives rooted in peace, compassion, and love. Our goal is to bond within a circle of love, of deep and abiding affections that are inclusive. Whether we do the work of being an astronaut, a lawyer, or a garbarge collector, or whether we happily choose to be self-employed or a stay-at-home homemaker, wise women know that that self-love will determine the degree to which we will feel fulfilled by any of these tasks.
Mutuality, like love itself, must come through work. Wise women know that the happiest, most fulfilling committed partnerships legalized via marriage or not are those in which mutualisty is the core value, in which the spiritual growth and development of each individual matters. Building the emotional space where mutuality can emerge takes time.
Sep 02, Melissa rated it liked it. An engrossing read, although its resonance suffered since I was clearly not the target audience since I am not a middle-aged woman at the turn of the millennium. Pros: a wonderful, nuanced discussion on how the patriarchy really screws with both women and men when it comes to love and relationships; a sadly accurate analysis of girl-on-girl hate; an interesting history of Hooks and her experiences in the feminist movement.
Cons: Lots of generalizations, lots of assumptions, and confusing look An engrossing read, although its resonance suffered since I was clearly not the target audience since I am not a middle-aged woman at the turn of the millennium. Cons: Lots of generalizations, lots of assumptions, and confusing look at love that somehow is overly intellectual and also boasts the term "soul mates" unironically.
Hooks is all about choice when it comes to love, and I think in that way misses looking at the irrationality and difficulty that actually constitutes "the journey" toward love, especially self-love. A handwave explanation of "therapy, feminism, and menopause" as a cure for the pains of the patriarchy didn't make up for the fact that I didn't see any woman's journey to self-love or successful "true" love.
Aug 03, Carolyne rated it it was amazing. She urges men and women to consider how much patriarchal thinking makes it impossible for us to experience true love. There is no love without justice and no love without freedom she says, and real love does not exist alongside the inequity, domination, and subordination of women in their everyday life.
Feb 11, Afrose rated it really liked it. Communion threw some heavy truths at me; some things that seemed obvious on the page but when juxtaposed against my life, sort of shocked me out of my body. The last few chapters were extremely useful, as they explored different ways to be in relationship with other people. The chapter on Romantic Friendships talks about a kind of partnership where two women build a life together that isn't sexual, and yet they share a home and plan their lives together.
This was a beautiful way for me to descri Communion threw some heavy truths at me; some things that seemed obvious on the page but when juxtaposed against my life, sort of shocked me out of my body. This was a beautiful way for me to describe a key friendship I have with someone who weaves in and out of my life physically, but is always there spiritually and emotionally. I would reccommend this book to people of all genders. With some whiskey to wash it down. May 01, Tereneh rated it it was amazing. Read this book. I am not sure where to begin or how to add insights that has not already been shared.
I will say that although the subtitle says "Female" this book is for everyone. What I found most valuable is that bell hooks explores our personal love from childhood on. Even asking us revisit how we were or were not taught how to love as children and how to heal any wounds that may exist.
It is the biggest tragedy in our world today that we are not taught how to love. Not the fairy tale, s Read this book. Not the fairy tale, save me, love. But love with depth and bravery. Beginning with love of self, the most important. And then exploring all the way to love throughout our lives.
I found myself nodding a lot and crying too. But mostly just so joyful and grateful that this book and the others in hooks' Love trilogy exist. Jun 07, Rianna Jade rated it really liked it Shelves: the-finest. Instead of reading books that insist men are from mars and women are from venus, this should be required reading for all. This book above all will teach you that your greatest power is learning that you can save yourself, love yourself and be everything for you. Communion, where we share and experience with eac Instead of reading books that insist men are from mars and women are from venus, this should be required reading for all.
Communion, where we share and experience with each other is the most beautiful product of true self love. Oct 28, Amanda rated it really liked it. A woman conducts a library tour for her lover from far away.
All blue hair and fuzz they are together. I read some bell hooks I gush. Tell me one thing you got out of it. You don't fall in love, you choose it. I don't fall in love. I don't need to fall in love. I can choose to fall in love. That's what he has been sayin'! I am love. But I have to say this is my very first relationship, and he already had some before me, of course.
So I was all new to everything that a relationship would bring to the table. Not even me, sometimes I feel that I am too much. Not anymore, well… Maybe I never did. I go along with him for so many things he wants to do or needs to do for his work or whatever. Things have changed so drastically this year, that I am contemplating about staying in this relationship and help him get through everything. Even though he has told me he can. All I know is that right now I could cry and that this really hurts.
Burying himself in work is a classic way that people overcome grief. I think this is especially the case for men. If you really love him and he loves you, give him some space and time. This is an old post. Just seeing it today. I just hope you walked.
He doesnt want or need you. You deserve better.. We have been dating for almost 2 years. No body knows that we are dating, not even my family. He has a 9 year old son. I love him so much but my family would disown me if they knew. Hi Michelle! Im a 21 yo and iI feel something vert strong and real for a 35 yo man. He told me recently he was feeling something very strong for me and I told him the same. Thing is I am scared that because he is older he just knows how to make me feel good and everything. Although I feel he is real but like u said love is blind.
I am just scared he could be playing with me. Any advice? So girls love is something to charish weather their age, gender, or race : build your own life beyond what people think or say!!! Finally i find person inlove with someone 20 years older than they are. Well me and my guy met about over a year now, i was 19 and him 39 we never really rushed into things but rather spent time with each others.
How should i tell him my age? I made him wait 16months to have sex with me, but he remained consistent all those months. We were both kinda shocked when it happened. The electricity between us is pretty remarkable. So I met a guy who is 17 years older, me being 21 and him being We had an amazing connection from the start, we just clicked and were so happy until other peoples opinions became involved. People can be so judgemental without seeing the big picture. I hear you on the friends aspect.
I was with a 22 year old woman who had friends that convinced her of the same. My friends did not care and were supportive. I think regardless of age a person a lot of times follows people and does not lead. Sometimes the fear of later down the road scares some. Hopefully, your strength and resolve will bring him around. Good luck! Is 9 years a big gap, me and my babe gave been together for 4 years and counting and everything is great and I love him more than anything else.
And is 9 years a big age gap? Nine years is not a big gap. The long physical distance is a greater danger to your relationship than the age gap. Hi, I am a 23 year old woman in a relationship with a 39 year old guy. We started dating in April of and I just had a baby boy with him back in June. It would help to identify him as the father on birth certificate, if not already done. If you are both committed to each other, you might want to talk about getting married.
She makes me a better man. We have so many interests in common. The only concern I have with planning a life with her is me slowing down before her, or leaving her a widow at a young age. Today we are just living a life full of adventure and she is the first woman I have been with who can keep up with me. However, we feel like soul mates… And reading these stories has really given me a realization that there are people here much older than us who are happy with larger gaps than we have. Plus her mother finally met me and came around, which is pretty fantastic considering we have been together nearly a year now.
Hi Simon! I think that love can break barriers. It is always important to be honest with the other person but it is also important to accept the love the person gives you and not be scared. I m a 35 yr lady in love with a 25 yr guy. We are so in love, do things together, support each other and intend to get married.
But I am worried if he is aware an able to deal with pressure he will get from his family once they know am much older than him. I am a 18 year old boy and I like this girl who is We have talked for a few times few hr long. Can someone give me some advice? I am a 21 yo woman that is in love with my dance teacher.
He is older than me 14y older. He recently told me he feel something very strong for me. And I told him the same. Thing is I am scared that because he is older he would just know how to talk to girls and everything. He is very caring. Anyone could give me some advice on how could I know if he is just playing something or if he is real? One teaches the other. Talk to a good Psychologist.
I am 25 and have been dating a woman 17 years older than me for the last 6 years. She is my soul mate and I am ready to spend my life with her. Over the last yr or so she has been struggling with our age gap. She feels she is wrong for being with me because she feels she is keeping me from being with someone my own age. I have expressed in numerous ways that I am where I want to be and who I want to be with. How do I get her to realize she has nothing to fear? She needs to be comfortable with and confident about who she is…she has to love herself before she will be happy and content in any relationship.
The most you can do is be true to your real feelings and who you are. Be steady, strong, consistent, and completely honest, with her and yourself. I am 26 and i am dating with a lady she is She has a son, 12 years old. We are in deep love. I want to marry her. I cant live with out her. We are in love for 1 and half year. Is there any problem in future? Please help me…………. Love is sometimes transient. By that, I mean that there really is no one true love for anyone. You will, and should, love many women in your lifetime. BTW, you can live without her, and she you. Good luck.
Hi, I am an 18 year old female and have been dating a 34 year old man for almost 10 months. What should I do? Go without him, breathe in the full experience, live it to the fullest—even to the point of sampling the affections of a local if it feels right. It seems to me it would be a great opportunity for the two of you to take your relationship to an even deeper level. Each of you being afraid that the time away will lead either one or both of you to seek the comfort of others i.
In sum, it sounds like it would be a fantastic experience for you; you will grow greatly as a person, gain worldly knowledge and confidence, and remember it for your lifetime. We have so much in common.
Most of the time I forget about the age gap. Love can conquer all with enough will. He just happens to be His family is much more excepting of our relaunching but they did question it at first. My family however is not supportive in the least. We both have kids from previous relationships and all of our children are comfortable and love our new family.
Apparently we make love look easy. Many people have told us they wish they had what we have. True Love knows no age. And I would never let someone stand in the way of the man I love. He tells me this all the time. I am currently in a relationship with an 18 year difference. He is my soulmate, love of my life. He brings so much joy to my life. The age difference raised some eyebrows at first but once the people on both of our sides got to know us — they realized we were a perfect match.
Im wynn 25 years old i am well educated women and i am always involbe having an old man bf in my life. Its 35 years age gap. Hi I am 52 and my bf is 23…. I felt used in the beginning.. If a 25 yo guy told u that he love u and want to spent the rest of his life with u. Just video call and chatting. Is it consider as a real love or just a passers by? Hi I just turned 19 years old and my 35 year old boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. Our relationship is complex and I feel any of our personal issues we have we can fix together, which we usually do.
We actually went some time without talking or seeing each other. My mom is old fashioned but young and hip and has an opinion about everything. She means everything to me so I really want to know how and if it will ever get easy being with an older man. If my family hates him should I stay with him?
Its becoming hard and stressful trying to balance to the lives I now live. I know I can never pick anyone over family. Which fits cause we bicker like a married couple. Id appreciate any opinions or advice on anything I talked about. Thanks in advance! We know our parents they will alwalys protect us bcause they do want to see us hurt. When we met, i had just turned 16 and he had just turned We are still going strong after being together for almosg two years already. I love him deeply and we plan to get married after im 18, which i will be this year.
Any advice on how to bring this relationship out into the open? Make sure he wont go to jail. Any adult that you tell may turn into agent Smith from the Matrix and it will all come crashing down. If you truly love him and it isnt just about your own personal drama and attention be very very careful what you do and say to ANYONE.
This will ruin both your lives If the wrong people learn of your relationship. They will take over everything and do their best to ruin you both and it will be the worst pain of your life. Please listen. Love is blind and this kind of thing happens for several simple reasons. A man has instin cts to choose a mate millions of years old.
We are mammals lol. Guys are sometimes caught off guard by this when it happens and get into trouble with a young fertile woman not yet legal. I had an older bull mastiff that jumped through a glass window to mate with a young female in her first heat. Society cannot accept that male humans are relatively new in the universe to denying their primal instinct to mate and live on instead of becoming extinct.
If you dont feel bad about getting him into serious trouble now just wait. You wont be 16 very long and the rest of your life is a very long time to feel that pain. Be smart, make plans and noone goes to that grim grey meat locker full of hopeless zombies. I do want a life together but sometimes get scared if people will see us different because of our age. I guess u rili hv something going since u still together. Above 18 age is irrelevant, even though u still growing but u no longer regarded as a child by law. I dated around a little and then became happy having an independent life… Then this happens!
So here it is. Truly I believe that. People are shocked when I tell them my age. We have been talking but have not yet dated, although he has asked me. Good luck to you! I advise you to run before you get too deep. Age has been very difficult for him to deal with. He has tried to get over the age gap and he says he cant. He is very mature for his age. How did you overcome telling parents etc? I wish everyone the best of luck in their relationships.
The answer is that we just have to find a reasonable way to stop the aging process haha. There are reasons for things that happen that we do not understand so we react in fear, anger and suspicion. How will we ever grow if our society forms hit squads for every little evolution? Like fish in a fish tank being picked to death. On my planet you are all safe to date and marry out of your age and be accepted. Family will be provided for you in the event that your biological family fails you.
Thank you and have a nice life. I read your post and could have cried hearing this guy is as old as your oldest son. I am devastated and am hurt beyond words. Hi, As a word of encouragement. My husband is 20 yrs younger than me. We dated for two years and have been married for two years. I finally got that the age difference, after both our initial shock wore off, did not matter to him when he explained his spiritual beliefs.
We are very happy and everyone who meets us and are around us for any time say we are perfect for each other. Six of my friends all married men who were considerably older than them — one was 18 and he was 46, another was 21 and he was 48 etc. All of them said at the time that it was love. Their initial reasons for marrying?
I wanted to get away from my parents and he had his own home …. I figured that I would never have to work and be looked after …. I thought I fancied him at the time but realized later that it was the freedom from parents and college that I liked. Be aware, these kind of drastic age differences can really catch up with you later. I once dated a guy twice my age. I loved his maturity, financial stability bt ad happy as he made me but sometimes he was more of my father than bf.
I cldnt talk back at him, or shout at him when he made me angry. That groomed me into a very strong woman. Bt we broke up hey aint life not fair after I had chosen the relationship over my parents who ddnt want to hear if him. Now having been there i wldnt date a guy more than 10 years older than me.
I dnt want to be stuck with a grandpa. I want someone we will grow old together with. Not age first than me. Not to reopen an old thread, but it found this tonight. I was keeping it a secret up until now, then a mutual friend of ours called me tonight and told me how happy she was for us, and how she knew we would work, and commented on how happy we were together. I told my mum as well, and when I told her I was scared that she would disown me for it, she told me she would never.
Hi everyone : So there is this guy that I really like. I am nearly 18 and he is 36 and he is such a gentleman. He makes me feel beautiful and special. Some people have been saying that this age difference is too much but should I just not care what they think? Be careful and get to know them first. I am in a relationship with a man 30 years younger than me. He is 29 and I am 60 years. We have been together for a year now but do not live together on a daily basis as we work in different cities.
When we are together we get on really well and I feel loved and cared for. We learn lots from each other as we come from different cultures. He had lots of patience and thinks before he speaks and he enhances my life in many ways. I always look forward to our weekly phone calls. Recently I have been rethinking if we have a future together. His 3 year old son has just come to live with him as the mother is no longer able to care for him. He also has a 10 year old at boarding school. Having a 3 yr old around when we are together, has really changed the dynamics for me.
When I talked with him about it, my bf said his son would not always need so much of his time and attention, but I am not sure I want to go through all the parenting and step mom challenges of having such a young child. Another challenge for me is that financially, I earn a lot more than he does, and sometimes I feel burdened by being the main provider. We have discussed how this will change in future, as when I retire he will still be working.
I know this is a selfish way to feel, but I am finding it difficult after being financially independent for the past 15 years. Sometimes I feel insecure about the relationship lasting although he always assures me of his love and long term commitment. He is interested in marriage but I am holding back and want to wait until we have been together a few more years. For now I am just enjoying the love we have together. But I am now wondering if 30 year age gap marriages can ever be successful, especially for older woman younger man relationships.
Hi iam 28 and married to what I class as my soulmate and best friends. He is We have never seen age as a problem even before we started a relationship together we could open up to each other about any thing where really close friends. We have now been together 11 years married for 4 and have three wonderful children. I think as long as ur happy and live each day as it comes then age doesnt matter. I know it will probably get harder as we get older but hoping that we can stay as strong as I feel we are now after 11 years x x. Is that too much of an age difference? Good luck hope you the best on whatever decision you make..
Either way you can still be great mates. Every cloud, blah blah. He turned 50 this year. I was 17 when we first met and I fell for him pretty quickly. He fell for me too apparently but I later discovered he was already married, he married less than 6 months before I met him, a few days before I turned We had an instant connection. We thought we could be just friends. We did try but we were playing with fire and in the end we had an affair and his wife found out about me.
That was 2 and a half years ago but I still love him. I hate myself for it. I hate that I hurt his wife. All I did was hurt someone and hurt myself.
You are young enough to make a mistake like that and be forgiven. The older adults are capable of working out their affairs without involving you. If most men are happy at home they will not feel insecure and the need to roam. His wife will blame him but it isnt uncommon that married men are just glorified cat toys and they are anything but feeling the love. Men have physical and emotional needs just like anyone else. Two sides to every story. Sex is important emotionally and physically. You met that need and she should know why so how could she be surprised. At your age dating for a few years would be a great idea just to make sure.
Hi , As I am 21 year old and my boyfriend is 31 year old we met on social webiste and from the last 8months we are dating. He has no time for me As I am sure that he is not doing any double timing with me but ya every time he is getting frustrated and irritated with his work load. And now we are thinking of changing our relationship in a sexualized way. Please help me with this Should I marry him or Also have sex with him or not?
Hello I am kinda in the same situation as you I am 21 dating a 33 year old. I think you guys need to sit down together and see were you stand as a couple and if there week any doubts that cone up then you guys need to wait.. Hi, I am a 34 year old and. I am in a relationship with a 54 year old male. Started off as friends then one thing led to the other. Happy and blessed! He told me from the gate what he wanted. Will be getting engaged by December.
The both of us were married once and divorced. No complaints! Who Cares! Be Happy! Honestly never been treated so well and feel so loved…. The only thing against it is the nasty people who are judging us and are against it! Wehave many obstacles to avoid but who knows. So nice to see a situation similar to mine. Unfortunately his family is not accepting at all. I wish you all the best and would appreciate any advice you can offer in dealing with being the older woman in a relationship an absolute first for me. I really love him so much..
But people are saying it won t work!! Please can u give advise me?!! The age difference is immense.. We met on a dating site and we connected instantaneously. His voice,his sweet words,everything about him makes me crazy in wanting him more and more. Sorry to break it to you hon. I was very reluctant in the beginning because of the age gap, and l was afraid to tell anyone for a long time. My family has been wonderfully accepting. They can tell how good he is to me. He has always taken care of me and made my life better, helped me grow as a person.
We talk about the future, about marriage and kids, and it sounds wonderful. It will be new for us both. He never pressures me in the slightest, but l think about it often. Can this work? Hey everybody, I just searched 20 years age gap relationships and there we go Im here.. I read all the comments and Im really happy that im not the only one in this situation. Im 26 and my dance teacher is I am 36 and my boyfriend is We knew each other for several years and hung out as friends a few times before we ever dated — been dating 19 months now. Now we are living together. I have never had such a healthy relationship in all my life.
I am in that same situation and really dont want to make a mistake by this age difference but he truly makes me happy. Still thinking on this one. I, I met him at my place of employment. I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship at the time of meeting.. I was raised by my mother and 4 children in my house growing up my mother is a very good role model she worked all day and went to school at night for dental assistant. He had the key to my bottom lock with the police officer downstairs he kicked the door in. I am madly in love with him and at the same time I just wanna punch him in the face like a fbi agent.
I also was abused as a child my stepfather beat my mother. I love him to pieces, we have the same sense of humour, same taste in music and movies. The age gap is far from an issue. My fear of rejection stops me from initiating things and saying certain things I need to. Stay blessed x. We never get into big fights just petty arguments and little things we do that irritate each other and when we do argue, we cool down, then we both apologize, even if we were the person that did no wrong.
Live life and love if you have the chance. He asked me on my birthday october 2 if i would marry him i said yes because if your bond is strong it only gets stronger if you both put alot in to it. No fooling around with others no flirting nothing just you an your lover.
Hope things go well for you. I fully agree! Hopefully things get better. Wish you all the best of luck! Hey, I understand how you feel, at the moment I am 15 years old and my boyfriend is But in two months in gonna turn 16 which is alot better.. Anyways i am more mature for my age as everyone would say and I agree with them, because I have been through alot.. I honestly feel really miserable about this.
Not cool. Our relationship is just amazing we have some connection that ive never felt before, he treats me like a queen. Its just undescribable. I really love him.. I never thought I would feel this way for a guy his age. I think you will find this book VERY helpful. You husband has a very severe problem and you are not trained to deal with this stuff. Don't even try but what you have to do is take care of yourself and get smart reallllllly fast.
There are so many things you can do wrong for both you and him. Good luck to you Anon. Hello Anon.. My story is very similar to yours, teenage sweethearts with the bombshell of uncovering his addiction 31 years later. Elle's advice is wonderful. You didn't cause this and it's his problem to work on. My best advice is to take life hour by hour, find a good therapist you trust, and work on finding what you need. I started individual therapy within a few weeks but marriage therapy didn't start for us until after we separated, nearly 2 years later.
He was never fully committed to getting help until he realized I had made the decision to divorce. It's been a total of 4 years and has been a tremendous struggle to understand, accept, and try to start a new life together. The most difficult thing for me has been to hear him say the sex was secondary. For him it was all about the thrill of the hunt and, even though he was paying for the encounters, hearing the partners tell him he was a fabulous lover gave him a high. Be careful how many details you ask for.
Looking back I remember the craving to hear every last detail and now I wish I didn't know most of it. Hearing intimate details about when, where, and how can be soul-crushing. I wish I could give you a hug. Please know that there are so many of us out here who have been where you are and understand. Work on yourself and the answers will come. Thank you ladies for all your advice and words of support. I so appreciate it.
If I can ever get past the lies, there is one area that I'm really struggling with that I want to ask you about My husband is the only person I've ever been with. When I found out about the 17 women of the last few years, it was an overwhelming number but one that I might be able to somehow wrap my head around one day. I could still hold his hand and hug him because I remembered that I used to feel safe in his embrace. There were many years there and we even had a few days of hysterical bonding which was cut short by my getting a UTI just what I needed.
But now, that's all a lie. I can't even look at him much less think of ever touching him. And how that it's hundreds of people, it's just not the same.
I can't wrap my head around it. What's worse is that these hundreds of escorts were from a site where each encounter was reviewed, blow by blow, with a rating scale and a very vivid description and assessment. Every single aspect of the women's body is dissected and "scored". I read reviews from some other people, and then I had to look at my husband's reviews because I couldn't believe that he could demean and objectify women this way.
I've now read about 10 of his reviews, and I know that indeed he can, and while it doesn't cause the hurt and anguish of the betrayal, it produces other feelings of disgust and disappointment. I'm not sure this is the kind of man I want around our son. We were actually in the process of IVF to conceive a daughter, and now that's forever on ice because I certainly wouldn't want this kind of father for a daughter. Anyhow, my question to you guys, is how did you get beyond the numbers?
And what do I do with the fact that I just don't feel that it's right that I remain exclusive to him though I have 0 interest in cheating. I've been scouring the internet for anything that can give me guidance on these two specific questions, and I can't find anything. I hope you might be able to share from your collective experiences and wisdom. Thanks again. Anon, I had a different reaction when I learned about the many more women than I first realized. It became clear to me that this was never about an actual intimate experience. It was essentially "masturbation with skin on", as I've heard it referred to.
So, at first, I felt a weird sort of relief. I did go through the disgust stage -- I'm a pretty vocal feminist and to think that my husband father of two daughters and one son! It took me some time, as well as seeing my husband work through his own shame and self-disgust at what he'd done. Facing up to sex addiction means taking the mask off and no longer deluding yourself that you're some sort of Don Juan. It means recognizing that you were a sick, sick person involved with sick, sick people. It means admitting just how disgusted you've become with yourself.
Which is why I take such objection when people, who clearly don't understand sex addiction, suggest that it's a convenient excuse for cheating. Anyone who has seen sex addiction up close knows that it's as messy and shame-filled as any other addiction. There's nothing "sexy" about it. I suspect you're getting ahead of yourself. Give yourself time to absorb what's been an absolute shock. Learn what you can. You might decide that you can no longer remain married to this man, which is absolutely your choice.
There is no right or wrong in this. But at this point, I would urge you to focus on your own healing and see how he manages his own recovery. Elle has hit it right on with her comments.